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sad cheerful day journal
Apr. 21st, 2011 11:46 pm Today seemed to try and cheer me up after hearing about my aunt yesterday. One of my friends and at breakfast actually asked me what was wrong and I explained the situation and she said she was there for me if I needed to talk, and rubbed my back a little. I spent some time in the library trying to write a story for class, and it just didn't seem to work. I'm probably going to re-write it after I'm done with this journal. But I don't know what it was about this day, but it seemed to want to uplift me.
The day was just so cheerful. Everyone was upbeat in Acting, and I almost wanted my mood to bring everyone down, in this really negative way, but I was just brought up by my friend's energy, everyone, though tired and ready to be finished with the semester was just happy. We did a funny little exercise to get going (I tried to get them to do something we did to warm up in the Vagina monologues, and that was to play Hi-Ya by saying Vagina, instead, but they didn't go for it. So we just played Hi-Ya, and then played a game called Elephant, Giraffe, Jello, which is this game where you point to some one and say either Elephant, giraffe or jello, and they have to be the main part of the object, while the two people around you have to act as minor parts, and if someone doesn't act (or acts incorrectly) within five seconds you have to step into the middle of the circle, kind of like duck duck goose). And then I got to watch people go through scenes while I re-wrote a bit of my story and offered critique.
And then we went to lunch, and they actually had good food today, unlike most days, and we ate and we talked and it was just nice to be around all of my friends. One of them had a bit of a break down at the table, but it was small, and I gave her a hug as I had to leave for work. Well, I got to work and I really only had a small amount to do. Once I got done I should have written, but I kind of just needed some goof off time, and time to myself. It's weird how that helps me sometimes, even when I'm really busy and overwhelmed and I know I need to do work, sometimes, when I have a perfectly good opertunity, I need to waste it. Today, especially, I just needed it.
Then I got in my major declaration forms, and my last class credit, and went off to writing, where we had an easter egg hunt for the first part of the class, and then went back and read Bird by Bird, and we did work shop. Why is it that writing puts me at peace so easily, and talking about writing and reading other's writing, and why did God give me this gift of expression, especially at a time like this, when I insist on talking about it, instead of just trying to let it go. Now I'm trying not to cry again, just imagining all the lives that could have been, all the love which could have been shared. I want that alternate universe for my uncle and my aunt. I want them to have a life together.
This is such shit, pardon the unChristian like language. And of course I choose to think about it when I am alone in the dark (well, my roommate is sleeping but still), when just a few minute ago, I was laughing with my friends and delievering them Easter Eggs. When just a couple of hours ago, I was celebrating being a woman with many other great women I know by doing the Vagina monologues. and I still want to burst out that this person is dead. She's gone, she can't come back. and it just mystifies me that this can happen.
I think I need to talk to someone. Someone real, someone face to face. I think I need my friends, I need my mom, I need to know my Uncle is going to be okay, I need to know that my aunt is in heaven, and I just feel so unsure. Not about Christ or heaven or any of that, but of life, because they tell you it's fragile, that it doesn't last like you think it will, but you don't really realize it until you have moments like these, where you see it crumble right in front of you.
all right, I think I'm vented for now. I don't think talking about it like this anymore is going to help me. And why, goodness gracious, do I not have any tissues in my room? I think though, I'm going to ask for some scripture, and when I can make an appointment with counseling services on campus. And I need to call my mother. For more than one reason. Anyway. Yeah, I'll post the story I was working on early for you, so that way you'll have something fictional to look at.
The day was just so cheerful. Everyone was upbeat in Acting, and I almost wanted my mood to bring everyone down, in this really negative way, but I was just brought up by my friend's energy, everyone, though tired and ready to be finished with the semester was just happy. We did a funny little exercise to get going (I tried to get them to do something we did to warm up in the Vagina monologues, and that was to play Hi-Ya by saying Vagina, instead, but they didn't go for it. So we just played Hi-Ya, and then played a game called Elephant, Giraffe, Jello, which is this game where you point to some one and say either Elephant, giraffe or jello, and they have to be the main part of the object, while the two people around you have to act as minor parts, and if someone doesn't act (or acts incorrectly) within five seconds you have to step into the middle of the circle, kind of like duck duck goose). And then I got to watch people go through scenes while I re-wrote a bit of my story and offered critique.
And then we went to lunch, and they actually had good food today, unlike most days, and we ate and we talked and it was just nice to be around all of my friends. One of them had a bit of a break down at the table, but it was small, and I gave her a hug as I had to leave for work. Well, I got to work and I really only had a small amount to do. Once I got done I should have written, but I kind of just needed some goof off time, and time to myself. It's weird how that helps me sometimes, even when I'm really busy and overwhelmed and I know I need to do work, sometimes, when I have a perfectly good opertunity, I need to waste it. Today, especially, I just needed it.
Then I got in my major declaration forms, and my last class credit, and went off to writing, where we had an easter egg hunt for the first part of the class, and then went back and read Bird by Bird, and we did work shop. Why is it that writing puts me at peace so easily, and talking about writing and reading other's writing, and why did God give me this gift of expression, especially at a time like this, when I insist on talking about it, instead of just trying to let it go. Now I'm trying not to cry again, just imagining all the lives that could have been, all the love which could have been shared. I want that alternate universe for my uncle and my aunt. I want them to have a life together.
This is such shit, pardon the unChristian like language. And of course I choose to think about it when I am alone in the dark (well, my roommate is sleeping but still), when just a few minute ago, I was laughing with my friends and delievering them Easter Eggs. When just a couple of hours ago, I was celebrating being a woman with many other great women I know by doing the Vagina monologues. and I still want to burst out that this person is dead. She's gone, she can't come back. and it just mystifies me that this can happen.
I think I need to talk to someone. Someone real, someone face to face. I think I need my friends, I need my mom, I need to know my Uncle is going to be okay, I need to know that my aunt is in heaven, and I just feel so unsure. Not about Christ or heaven or any of that, but of life, because they tell you it's fragile, that it doesn't last like you think it will, but you don't really realize it until you have moments like these, where you see it crumble right in front of you.
all right, I think I'm vented for now. I don't think talking about it like this anymore is going to help me. And why, goodness gracious, do I not have any tissues in my room? I think though, I'm going to ask for some scripture, and when I can make an appointment with counseling services on campus. And I need to call my mother. For more than one reason. Anyway. Yeah, I'll post the story I was working on early for you, so that way you'll have something fictional to look at.
