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drownedinlightOkay, dear, non-existant readers, I am going to vent to you about something that has been going on in my life that has almost driven me to the point of shallow tears this morning. Now I know this a giant cliche, someone complaining about their life on livejournal, but I need this, and it's kind of therapy for me. So you can skip it if you want.
When I started out this year I made a few friends at the beginning: Friend Ab, Friend Ce, Friend Al, Friend Ca and Friend Jes. Due to fall out in this "secret society" Friend Al wanted to start, and us not really being all that into it after the start, Friend Al kind of split off from our group and joined another one. That was fine, until Friend Ab and Friend Jes (who are roommates) began having problems. A mashed up version of the story from both sides is this:
Friend Ab grew increasingly distant with Friend Jes to the point where Friend Jes felt like they weren't friends anymore and Friend Ab did not even consider her feelings (case in point, Friend Ab asked her boyfriend to stay overnight in her room one weekend, something Friend Jes did not feel comfortable with). Friend Jes, trying to be diplomatic, asked Friend Ab to talk to her, after it had gotten to the point where she never knew where Friend Ab was, and Friend Ab wouldn't even say hello to her when she walked in the door. Friend Ab felt like they didn't need to be "best friends," becausse they were just roommates, and she had had plenty of roommates before, and continued to be distant with Friend Jes. Friend Jes began to try and figure out if she had done something wrong, or if she could kind of patch things up and work things out between them. Friend Ab continued to be distant, and apparently did a little talking behind Friend Jes's back.
The long and short of it is: Friend Jes moved out because she just couldn't take it anymore. Friend Ca and I are still friends with Friend Jes, but Friend Ab hates her for trying to be a good roommate and Friend Ce is siding with Friend Ab, because the two of them are attached at the hip (Okay, so this might have been more from Friend Jes's perspective, but she is the one who would talk abou the story so I got it mostly from her).
So that is what happened during fall term.
Now, here's what happened during short term: Everything seemed to be going fine and dandy. Friend Ce, Friend Ab, Friend Jes and Friend Ca all got internships, which means they were all off campus most of the week working a 9 to 5 job for a month. Becaue I was the only one on Campus, I got asked for a few favors (only two), during the month. Once, Friend Ce asked me if I could put in a work order for a cot for her sister to sleep on, because she couldn't do it from work, and it was really the last day she could do it. So I did. And one day, Friend Ab asked me to get a package from her, because our post office is only open from nine to twelve thirty. So I said okay.
The thing is, when I went to go and get her package, it turned out to be three packages. They all looked to be twelve by seven by seven (or whatever that measurement actually is) and individually, they would not have been such a problem. But there were three of them. When she only asked me to get one. It kind of made me a little angry, especially after she left them in my room over night. But I could deal.
It was also during short term that I began hanging out much more with a group dubbed "the Potters" because they were all on campus for spring term and were well, around. Most of my friends who had internships were always exhausted at the end of the day, and the Potters were ususally there to be sociable with. And I actually felt myself growing really quite close with most of the group.
Then short term ended, and spring term began:
Sometime during the four days we have in between terms, Friend Ab and Friend Ce stopped talking to me. And I mean, quite literally stopped talking to me. They would avoid sitting at the same tables with me, and when they didn't see that I was sitting at the table because I had gone to go and get food, they decided to make the entire atmosphere uncomfortable by sitting there and not talking at all. I kid you not, once after everyone had gotten up and left for class, I was waiting for a little bit before I went to work, and they had a coversation around me like I wasn't even there. Friend Ca, who is caught in the middle between them and Friend Jes and I, felt bad and had lunch with, confessing that she felt fearful that they would cut her out of the group as well. (So far, this has yet to happen.)
And I have tried to let this go, I really have, but they aren't even descent to me. Friend Ce can be sometimes, but that's mostly when Friend Ab isn't around. And I just don't get what happened. During fall term, I told Friend Ab that I couldn't go home for Thanksgiving and she talked to her parents and invited me home for it. And it wouldn't be so frustrating, but theyy have a similar schedule to mine, and I since it's such a small campus, I see them all the time. And I just really want to know why they did this, espeacially after I semi-tried to change myself for them.
This all is not actually so bad, and doesn't cause me so much grief, espeacially since I do have other friends and I actually don't see them that much. The thing is, I feel like it's really hard for me to see these other friends, especially the Potters who are such a tight knit group, they often discuss plans when I not there, so I feel like a huge tag along when I ask to do things with them. Not to mention, I have no idea when they are getting together and doing things, and their commitments to their work is different than mine, so we often just miss each other.
So here comes the point of almost shallow tears: because Friend Ab and Friend Ce eat breakfast around the same time I do, sometimes they get to the cafeteria before I do, and sit at one of the more noticable tables. This causes me to sit at one of the lesser noticable tables (the tables closest to the actually buffet are usually full around this time), because I just don't want to flop down and cause the pressuring silence I know will come if I do, and force that on my other friends. But because of this, when the two Potters that eat breakfast around the same time I do come in, they sometimes don't always see me, and take a seat somewhere else. I'm usually almost done eating at this point, but still, I usually get up any join them. Today, I saw them and waved, and I thought I saw one of them look right at me. But instead of noticing me they went and sat at Friend Ab and Friend Ce's table.
This is no fault of theres, it's all internal for me, but it still just makes me upset, because they KNOW I'm in the cafeteria at that time, every single day. I mean they've got to, it's logical. Furhtermore, I have explained the turmoil going on between Friend Ab and I (and maybe Friend Ce), and I know I shouldn't let my problems effect their relationships, but I just feel like....well, like no one cares about what I'm going through. It does not help that I just got off of spring break, and I'm going through people withdrawl because I was around people (or at least one person) almost the entire break. And naturally, I blame myself for all this, and it makes me feel like a shitty friend. And it also makes me feel like I have no friends at all (which is not true, but I'm upset, okay?). And yeah. It sucks.
I don't think venting helped any, because now I feel a little worse. Maybe I should go to the on campus conselor. Well, if they are open sometime outside of school time, because I got to class and work for most of that. Maybe I'll come out of this a little more refined, but I feel like I haven't even made it to the eye of the storm yet, and I'm already soaked to the bone.
Entry WC: 1509
3/28/11 WC: same for now
Project WC: 60967
Still Reading: The Divine Comedy by Dante
When I started out this year I made a few friends at the beginning: Friend Ab, Friend Ce, Friend Al, Friend Ca and Friend Jes. Due to fall out in this "secret society" Friend Al wanted to start, and us not really being all that into it after the start, Friend Al kind of split off from our group and joined another one. That was fine, until Friend Ab and Friend Jes (who are roommates) began having problems. A mashed up version of the story from both sides is this:
Friend Ab grew increasingly distant with Friend Jes to the point where Friend Jes felt like they weren't friends anymore and Friend Ab did not even consider her feelings (case in point, Friend Ab asked her boyfriend to stay overnight in her room one weekend, something Friend Jes did not feel comfortable with). Friend Jes, trying to be diplomatic, asked Friend Ab to talk to her, after it had gotten to the point where she never knew where Friend Ab was, and Friend Ab wouldn't even say hello to her when she walked in the door. Friend Ab felt like they didn't need to be "best friends," becausse they were just roommates, and she had had plenty of roommates before, and continued to be distant with Friend Jes. Friend Jes began to try and figure out if she had done something wrong, or if she could kind of patch things up and work things out between them. Friend Ab continued to be distant, and apparently did a little talking behind Friend Jes's back.
The long and short of it is: Friend Jes moved out because she just couldn't take it anymore. Friend Ca and I are still friends with Friend Jes, but Friend Ab hates her for trying to be a good roommate and Friend Ce is siding with Friend Ab, because the two of them are attached at the hip (Okay, so this might have been more from Friend Jes's perspective, but she is the one who would talk abou the story so I got it mostly from her).
So that is what happened during fall term.
Now, here's what happened during short term: Everything seemed to be going fine and dandy. Friend Ce, Friend Ab, Friend Jes and Friend Ca all got internships, which means they were all off campus most of the week working a 9 to 5 job for a month. Becaue I was the only one on Campus, I got asked for a few favors (only two), during the month. Once, Friend Ce asked me if I could put in a work order for a cot for her sister to sleep on, because she couldn't do it from work, and it was really the last day she could do it. So I did. And one day, Friend Ab asked me to get a package from her, because our post office is only open from nine to twelve thirty. So I said okay.
The thing is, when I went to go and get her package, it turned out to be three packages. They all looked to be twelve by seven by seven (or whatever that measurement actually is) and individually, they would not have been such a problem. But there were three of them. When she only asked me to get one. It kind of made me a little angry, especially after she left them in my room over night. But I could deal.
It was also during short term that I began hanging out much more with a group dubbed "the Potters" because they were all on campus for spring term and were well, around. Most of my friends who had internships were always exhausted at the end of the day, and the Potters were ususally there to be sociable with. And I actually felt myself growing really quite close with most of the group.
Then short term ended, and spring term began:
Sometime during the four days we have in between terms, Friend Ab and Friend Ce stopped talking to me. And I mean, quite literally stopped talking to me. They would avoid sitting at the same tables with me, and when they didn't see that I was sitting at the table because I had gone to go and get food, they decided to make the entire atmosphere uncomfortable by sitting there and not talking at all. I kid you not, once after everyone had gotten up and left for class, I was waiting for a little bit before I went to work, and they had a coversation around me like I wasn't even there. Friend Ca, who is caught in the middle between them and Friend Jes and I, felt bad and had lunch with, confessing that she felt fearful that they would cut her out of the group as well. (So far, this has yet to happen.)
And I have tried to let this go, I really have, but they aren't even descent to me. Friend Ce can be sometimes, but that's mostly when Friend Ab isn't around. And I just don't get what happened. During fall term, I told Friend Ab that I couldn't go home for Thanksgiving and she talked to her parents and invited me home for it. And it wouldn't be so frustrating, but theyy have a similar schedule to mine, and I since it's such a small campus, I see them all the time. And I just really want to know why they did this, espeacially after I semi-tried to change myself for them.
This all is not actually so bad, and doesn't cause me so much grief, espeacially since I do have other friends and I actually don't see them that much. The thing is, I feel like it's really hard for me to see these other friends, especially the Potters who are such a tight knit group, they often discuss plans when I not there, so I feel like a huge tag along when I ask to do things with them. Not to mention, I have no idea when they are getting together and doing things, and their commitments to their work is different than mine, so we often just miss each other.
So here comes the point of almost shallow tears: because Friend Ab and Friend Ce eat breakfast around the same time I do, sometimes they get to the cafeteria before I do, and sit at one of the more noticable tables. This causes me to sit at one of the lesser noticable tables (the tables closest to the actually buffet are usually full around this time), because I just don't want to flop down and cause the pressuring silence I know will come if I do, and force that on my other friends. But because of this, when the two Potters that eat breakfast around the same time I do come in, they sometimes don't always see me, and take a seat somewhere else. I'm usually almost done eating at this point, but still, I usually get up any join them. Today, I saw them and waved, and I thought I saw one of them look right at me. But instead of noticing me they went and sat at Friend Ab and Friend Ce's table.
This is no fault of theres, it's all internal for me, but it still just makes me upset, because they KNOW I'm in the cafeteria at that time, every single day. I mean they've got to, it's logical. Furhtermore, I have explained the turmoil going on between Friend Ab and I (and maybe Friend Ce), and I know I shouldn't let my problems effect their relationships, but I just feel like....well, like no one cares about what I'm going through. It does not help that I just got off of spring break, and I'm going through people withdrawl because I was around people (or at least one person) almost the entire break. And naturally, I blame myself for all this, and it makes me feel like a shitty friend. And it also makes me feel like I have no friends at all (which is not true, but I'm upset, okay?). And yeah. It sucks.
I don't think venting helped any, because now I feel a little worse. Maybe I should go to the on campus conselor. Well, if they are open sometime outside of school time, because I got to class and work for most of that. Maybe I'll come out of this a little more refined, but I feel like I haven't even made it to the eye of the storm yet, and I'm already soaked to the bone.
Entry WC: 1509
3/28/11 WC: same for now
Project WC: 60967
Still Reading: The Divine Comedy by Dante
